Having big dreams is good, impossible ones are not.

Why do I always dream for the impossible? I will never get the friendships I crave because they are always with people who are famous enough who need to select their friends carefully and I'm just a little no one but a fan (if that) who wishes for things she can't have.

This one particular person is different from the others though.. He's been on my mind a lot recently. I read his writings and updates online and I just.. flutter over him. He's different though because I'm not really a fan of what he does as his living. Unlike the others where I am a fan. I kind of like that thought, because, to me, it makes it seem like I have a little more of a chance to be his friend. "I'm not a fan of what you do. I'm a fan of you. Who you are as a person." That's always a good thing to hear and it's not as creepy. I think..

I don't know. I wish I could create him something, write him something, tell him all this, and just try. It never hurts to try, and I know nothing would work anyway, but at least he would know. And.. you never know. Maybe he would contact me back. However I think I have lost my chances for this year. He has come and gone already and probably won't come again until the end of the year.


For those of you who know who I'm talking about; You know me well. And thank you for paying attention.

To be feminine, or myself?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just went a couple months as the girl I'm supposed to be..

Wear the makeup
Do the hair
Wear the clothes
Wear the shoes
Hold the purse
Wear the skirts

Maybe I could get attention. Maybe I could gain a boyfriend. But it would all be so damn uncomfortable and I would come home hating all of it every single god damn day and I don't think I would ever be able to handle it.

But the thought of what if lingers...

Art based on Status

So really... Wolfhome is filled with artists, good, bad, mediocre. I would consider myself the latter of the three. I'm not amazing, but I'm not horrific. However when I try to sell fully custom poses, or any commission at all that is a "name your own price", I get no offers. The NYOP is me not setting a base charge. AND can be paid with a mix of money and deltas. Someone can pay me $1 and say 4 deltas. That's really not that bad. Especially if you have 573290 deltas. Then that is a damn cheap commission. Yet I have no one taking any offers. Not even in Totem Lands where everyone is all about art!

So it leaves me to believe this. Arists such as:
-Kesame
-Nanook
-FetherDrum
-Shivra
-Foxgrin
-FlatCat
-Nushaa
-Siedend/Galagya
-Sol
-etc..

Make and sell poses wicked fast. People eat up their works because they seem to have an "artistic status" that makes them stand out. However some people's works can end up not that great, imo. They are able to charge a redic amount for custom commissions, and get the buyers. Whereas little ol' me can say "Pay me a buck for a custom commission, idc!" and get no one because I'm not "known" enough in the artist community.

This is just what it feels like, at least.

So what do I have to start doing to get myself recognized and start reeling in buyers? Free poses? Free grayscales? Free backgrounds? Free "commissioned" art?

I know for a fact I need to work on getting things out in a timely matter LMAO because I tend to take forever to get a piece of commissioned art done. And I need to work on my furring hxc, my backgrounds, my poses even.

I'm just getting kind of frustrated that because I'm not known that I can't get any fans/buyers.

I am 21 and still living with my parents.

Plans for opening my own store are on the boarder of falling apart.

In all honesty I don't plan on keeping my store for a long time, only a couple years. However there's this "three year" deal where you don't even really start making money or being even and balanced until your store has been open for three years. So I think of that and figure "What's the point of even opening it in the first place?"

I have no job.

I have no money.

I have no idea what I'm ever going to do in my life.

I have no long-future goals.

I have no long-future ambitions.

I've been having thoughts of suicide thinking of all these worthless things that I am to be and think why bother with anything? But I damn well know better and I would never have the guts to try anything anyway.

I will just continue to be the mindless, numbing, dull thing that walks this planet... That's all I am. That's all I ever will be.

This is me.

Wishing I lived a more interesting life to actually blog, rather than update.

I hate feeling so friendless. I think of - hah - guys in bands, and older friends who live in apartments and are surrounded by close people who they love and trust and see every day. I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have that. Even if I got an apartment with the few friends I do have, I don't have enough in common with any of them to really feel accepted and.. 'neutral' I guess, around them. I would feel out of place and left out.

I would like to go out with one or two people to bars and waste money and time and get drunk, I guess. I would enjoy going with one or two close people for a trip to another city for whatever reason.


I don't know if it's just me, or if I have some sort of problem, but I get really stressed and depressed when things are planned, then don't go as planned, then I don't get any contact about said plans.

Example 1: I was supposed to meet people A and B. I was supposed to take both of them to Seattle for a day. Plans with A were slowly falling apart and I asked B "If plans with A don't work, do you just want to meet and go to Seattle anyway?" To which B replied "Yeah sure." (I have been wanting to meet B for years, since I found out she lived in Washington. ) Plans with A fell apart, and I kept trying to catch B online to make sure we were getting together, I had gotten dressed the day of (which I only do nowadays if I'm really going somewhere) , only to find out she met up with friends C, D, E for x days. B did not let me know what was going on, that her plans had changed, whatever. I feel like every time I suggest an event for us to meet, B either comes up with some excuse, or ignores the subject, or doesn't follow through. If she doesn't want to meet me, she should just flat out fucking tell me and I would stop trying making plans.

Example 2: Friends A, B, and C are driving 5 hours from their home to Seattle. Plans were supposed to be; I met up with them Thursday, spend the night with them, go home Friday. They were supposed to be in Seattle around 7ish. So they said. And that they would text me one arriving. 7 comes, nothing. 8 comes, nothing. 9 comes, nothing. By this time I've given up on them ever contacting me. They eventually do, but plans get messed up and changed by now.

Thankfully they contacted me, but in the mean time with both examples, during the time that things aren't being mentioned and ignore the day of things are supposed to happen, I get really depressed and think I am unwanted. I do end up crying, because I'm not being filled in on things, I start thinking of the worst, and it makes me feel ridiculously alone, and again - unwanted.

I'm a really open and friendly person when people meet me, but I feel like I don't have any close friends and no one to just.. do stuff with. And when I have no one to do stuff with I feel alone and moody and depressed. I hate it. I wish I had someone, physically, to confide in and be told that I am loved, I have friends, they are my friend, my good friend, and buy me a drink. Heh.