Uncomfortable.

I can't force myself to fall in love.

I don't know where I stand.

I still feel single even though I have a boyfriend.

No Pun Intended

I think I might be Asexual...



Fuck.

Name dropping.

I love being emo and depressed.

I feel like I can't get out of this little rut either. As much as I would like to and as much as I say I can try, I really don't. If I try I have to be someone I'm not. And I'm not going to do that to myself.

It just sucks because I look at myself in the bathroom and remind myself, I don't have any real good friends. I have friends, sure. I have buddies. People I know and enjoy spending time with, but no real good friends.
Anna - Since I left school we've fallen apart and now it seems she's gotten to.. "professional", "adult", annoying half the time and almost too far away to do anything.
Megan - Had a random falling out and now we barely talk let alone try to get together.
Ariel, Lily, Andrea, Christina, partially Christie - Since day one I've felt disconnected with all of them. Ariel has been kind of the closest to me out of all of them, but I never see and very rarely talk to any of them. I feel excluded and left out constantly and I want to take them all off my Twitter. Reading updates hurt.
Azrael - ...I don't know, I try. Being on the other side of the state doesn't help, but when I drove straight down for his birthday all seemed really good and happy. I really enjoyed it and enjoyed spending time with him until the party actually started and Skyler came out and he was just being himself, but it's not how I am and I felt excluded there too. Now Skyler lives there and he posts LJ's about her all the time and they're all happy and joyful about how much fun all the TWINS are having and sdhgjkfd I get really jealous.

I'm involving myself more into the furry fandom to try and meet new people and gain new friends, but their either weird furries or live too far away to do anything frequent with.


My mom just got an email from a couple who dad and I met in New Zealand. The email was actually a really cute video message and contest to win one of 15 places for a trip for 2 to NZ. After the video I told mom "I'm your 2." She replied with "Uh! And what about MY HUSBAND?!" Which I understand, but.. it's New Zealand. It's me. I looked at her for a moment and went "Do you have any idea how much I'm going to CRY if I don't go?" And got up and left.

She doesn't understand that for the past three years since coming home from my trip there that any little thing relating to NZ makes me cry. It's hard for me to watch anything, it's hard for me to listen to anything and hear the accents and it's impossible to keep from crying for me.

The NZ couple also frequently trips to America to RV the west coast and comes to Washington. Mom and dad were planning to go to Port Angeles one day last week. I just thought it was a normal trip because they tend to do that sometimes. They ended up not going and then told me because the NZ couple were both sick and didn't want my parents to come up with them like that. They were going to go visit the two without me. I have expressed before that I would like to visit them also, and they were going to leave me at home. Thanks mom.


I just can't wait for Warped Tour this weekend. I need a good weekend of shows. Although I'm going to those alone also. I'm sure I will see people, but in general, I'm going alone. I'm just sick of all this. And I don't kow how to get out of it all.

Proves my thoughts.

Do there are these group of girls irl who I am kind of friends with. Friends I guess is, I guess, kind of a "light" term. We see each other at concerts, but that's all. There's been no other outside time I have ever hung out with any of them for a long period of time. I have been invited to one get together, but didn't get the message in time to respond and go to it. Fine though, because the thing fell apart anyway and pretty much no one could go. The one person who I have talked to via LJ about planning and trying to hang out sometime (and invited me out that one time), I suppose just had a birthday (which was today?). Clearly, I didn't know anything about it. I had no idea when her birthday even was, I obviously wasn't invited, and now it's all over. Here I thought she was the one person who wasn't just a "concert acquaintance" with. Guess I was proved wrong. This just goes to show that when I have said I don't feel like I'm really their friend, I'm actually not.

Thanks guys.

I love talking to my friends, really I do, but once we stop talking all I want to do is RP with the person. That's it. And I feel bad for constantly asking to RP because I don't want it to seem like that's the only thing I want to do, but.. it is.

We were supposed to Rp.
She was online for two hours just sitting there and I didn't know.
My screen names apparently weren't showing up on her aim, despite me being on and not away.
She didn't bother trying to contacting me anyway, or sending me a text, wondering where I was.
She thought I was pissed off at her for taking a long time to get home.
I was worried for her because she was leaving where ever she was buzzed and then for three hours I don't hear from her at all.. here I am sitting here thinking something happened to her.

We were supposed to Rp.
She didn't bother trying to contact me to see where I was or if I even was upset with her or not.
I missed her being online for two solid hours.
We couldn't start after because we'd get 3 posts in and I know she would have fallen asleep on me like she always does.
I have to wait for tomorrow to get anything.
I have to wait another day to have solid contact with her.

I really shouldn't be so disappointed and hurt over all this, but I'm in tears.

I'm such a fag.

Having big dreams is good, impossible ones are not.

Why do I always dream for the impossible? I will never get the friendships I crave because they are always with people who are famous enough who need to select their friends carefully and I'm just a little no one but a fan (if that) who wishes for things she can't have.

This one particular person is different from the others though.. He's been on my mind a lot recently. I read his writings and updates online and I just.. flutter over him. He's different though because I'm not really a fan of what he does as his living. Unlike the others where I am a fan. I kind of like that thought, because, to me, it makes it seem like I have a little more of a chance to be his friend. "I'm not a fan of what you do. I'm a fan of you. Who you are as a person." That's always a good thing to hear and it's not as creepy. I think..

I don't know. I wish I could create him something, write him something, tell him all this, and just try. It never hurts to try, and I know nothing would work anyway, but at least he would know. And.. you never know. Maybe he would contact me back. However I think I have lost my chances for this year. He has come and gone already and probably won't come again until the end of the year.


For those of you who know who I'm talking about; You know me well. And thank you for paying attention.

To be feminine, or myself?

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I just went a couple months as the girl I'm supposed to be..

Wear the makeup
Do the hair
Wear the clothes
Wear the shoes
Hold the purse
Wear the skirts

Maybe I could get attention. Maybe I could gain a boyfriend. But it would all be so damn uncomfortable and I would come home hating all of it every single god damn day and I don't think I would ever be able to handle it.

But the thought of what if lingers...

Art based on Status

So really... Wolfhome is filled with artists, good, bad, mediocre. I would consider myself the latter of the three. I'm not amazing, but I'm not horrific. However when I try to sell fully custom poses, or any commission at all that is a "name your own price", I get no offers. The NYOP is me not setting a base charge. AND can be paid with a mix of money and deltas. Someone can pay me $1 and say 4 deltas. That's really not that bad. Especially if you have 573290 deltas. Then that is a damn cheap commission. Yet I have no one taking any offers. Not even in Totem Lands where everyone is all about art!

So it leaves me to believe this. Arists such as:
-Kesame
-Nanook
-FetherDrum
-Shivra
-Foxgrin
-FlatCat
-Nushaa
-Siedend/Galagya
-Sol
-etc..

Make and sell poses wicked fast. People eat up their works because they seem to have an "artistic status" that makes them stand out. However some people's works can end up not that great, imo. They are able to charge a redic amount for custom commissions, and get the buyers. Whereas little ol' me can say "Pay me a buck for a custom commission, idc!" and get no one because I'm not "known" enough in the artist community.

This is just what it feels like, at least.

So what do I have to start doing to get myself recognized and start reeling in buyers? Free poses? Free grayscales? Free backgrounds? Free "commissioned" art?

I know for a fact I need to work on getting things out in a timely matter LMAO because I tend to take forever to get a piece of commissioned art done. And I need to work on my furring hxc, my backgrounds, my poses even.

I'm just getting kind of frustrated that because I'm not known that I can't get any fans/buyers.

I am 21 and still living with my parents.

Plans for opening my own store are on the boarder of falling apart.

In all honesty I don't plan on keeping my store for a long time, only a couple years. However there's this "three year" deal where you don't even really start making money or being even and balanced until your store has been open for three years. So I think of that and figure "What's the point of even opening it in the first place?"

I have no job.

I have no money.

I have no idea what I'm ever going to do in my life.

I have no long-future goals.

I have no long-future ambitions.

I've been having thoughts of suicide thinking of all these worthless things that I am to be and think why bother with anything? But I damn well know better and I would never have the guts to try anything anyway.

I will just continue to be the mindless, numbing, dull thing that walks this planet... That's all I am. That's all I ever will be.

This is me.

Wishing I lived a more interesting life to actually blog, rather than update.

I hate feeling so friendless. I think of - hah - guys in bands, and older friends who live in apartments and are surrounded by close people who they love and trust and see every day. I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have that. Even if I got an apartment with the few friends I do have, I don't have enough in common with any of them to really feel accepted and.. 'neutral' I guess, around them. I would feel out of place and left out.

I would like to go out with one or two people to bars and waste money and time and get drunk, I guess. I would enjoy going with one or two close people for a trip to another city for whatever reason.


I don't know if it's just me, or if I have some sort of problem, but I get really stressed and depressed when things are planned, then don't go as planned, then I don't get any contact about said plans.

Example 1: I was supposed to meet people A and B. I was supposed to take both of them to Seattle for a day. Plans with A were slowly falling apart and I asked B "If plans with A don't work, do you just want to meet and go to Seattle anyway?" To which B replied "Yeah sure." (I have been wanting to meet B for years, since I found out she lived in Washington. ) Plans with A fell apart, and I kept trying to catch B online to make sure we were getting together, I had gotten dressed the day of (which I only do nowadays if I'm really going somewhere) , only to find out she met up with friends C, D, E for x days. B did not let me know what was going on, that her plans had changed, whatever. I feel like every time I suggest an event for us to meet, B either comes up with some excuse, or ignores the subject, or doesn't follow through. If she doesn't want to meet me, she should just flat out fucking tell me and I would stop trying making plans.

Example 2: Friends A, B, and C are driving 5 hours from their home to Seattle. Plans were supposed to be; I met up with them Thursday, spend the night with them, go home Friday. They were supposed to be in Seattle around 7ish. So they said. And that they would text me one arriving. 7 comes, nothing. 8 comes, nothing. 9 comes, nothing. By this time I've given up on them ever contacting me. They eventually do, but plans get messed up and changed by now.

Thankfully they contacted me, but in the mean time with both examples, during the time that things aren't being mentioned and ignore the day of things are supposed to happen, I get really depressed and think I am unwanted. I do end up crying, because I'm not being filled in on things, I start thinking of the worst, and it makes me feel ridiculously alone, and again - unwanted.

I'm a really open and friendly person when people meet me, but I feel like I don't have any close friends and no one to just.. do stuff with. And when I have no one to do stuff with I feel alone and moody and depressed. I hate it. I wish I had someone, physically, to confide in and be told that I am loved, I have friends, they are my friend, my good friend, and buy me a drink. Heh.

Yo Believe-o

I BELIEVE!!~

..That I have kept myself a virgin and single for the fact that I don't want to filter through people and be looked upon as a whore.


Solid reason, right?

Epic

Sometimes I wonder why I ever try to talk and get people's advice about things at all.

Real thoughts of a genderfucked creature

I often wonder if I should update this more often. Then again, what would be it's purpose? I never keep diaries, I already have a Livejournal which I update more constantly, Twitter for my one line sentences of feeling and thoughts, I also have a Myspace which I only ever update with a bulletin here and there.. I don't even blog there. This wouldn't be any different of a blog.

This was my vent relief, but now that I have nothing constant to make me vent anymore, I never use this. Not to mention I don't have any followers that would be interested in what I would say anyway.

I never say anything insightful, I never have any real deep thoughts that I just must get down on something, I never have any ideas that I feel the need to share with people.. I'm not funny, I'm not witty, I'm not creative in the writing outlet, I don't know many people who even have a Blogger. I, myself, am only watching two people. I'm sure if I put effort into searching I could find people to continue watching.

What if I just changed my entire outlook on everything? What if I decided to label everywhere that I have this and this and this, and feel free to watch everything to keep track of my life? Maybe then I would have more watchers and feel the desire to start updating with more important stuff about what goes on in my life. I kind of enjoy having something private though that no one knows about. That was one of the purposes of creating this. Only a few people have ever seen it and know about it. (or somehow found me)

Then again, with all this, I think that no one would bother wanting to keep track of long posts. People are too lazy to read everything. Who would want to read every word of my rambles? All I talk about are fandom/bandom things it seems. I have no job, so nothing interesting ever happens in life. All I'm currently in the mood for is World of Warcraft and Fursuiting, and who really wants to hear about my noobish character and faggy furry stuff?

Anyone?