I hate feeling so friendless. I think of - hah - guys in bands, and older friends who live in apartments and are surrounded by close people who they love and trust and see every day. I don't have that. I want that, but I don't have that. Even if I got an apartment with the few friends I do have, I don't have enough in common with any of them to really feel accepted and.. 'neutral' I guess, around them. I would feel out of place and left out.

I would like to go out with one or two people to bars and waste money and time and get drunk, I guess. I would enjoy going with one or two close people for a trip to another city for whatever reason.


I don't know if it's just me, or if I have some sort of problem, but I get really stressed and depressed when things are planned, then don't go as planned, then I don't get any contact about said plans.

Example 1: I was supposed to meet people A and B. I was supposed to take both of them to Seattle for a day. Plans with A were slowly falling apart and I asked B "If plans with A don't work, do you just want to meet and go to Seattle anyway?" To which B replied "Yeah sure." (I have been wanting to meet B for years, since I found out she lived in Washington. ) Plans with A fell apart, and I kept trying to catch B online to make sure we were getting together, I had gotten dressed the day of (which I only do nowadays if I'm really going somewhere) , only to find out she met up with friends C, D, E for x days. B did not let me know what was going on, that her plans had changed, whatever. I feel like every time I suggest an event for us to meet, B either comes up with some excuse, or ignores the subject, or doesn't follow through. If she doesn't want to meet me, she should just flat out fucking tell me and I would stop trying making plans.

Example 2: Friends A, B, and C are driving 5 hours from their home to Seattle. Plans were supposed to be; I met up with them Thursday, spend the night with them, go home Friday. They were supposed to be in Seattle around 7ish. So they said. And that they would text me one arriving. 7 comes, nothing. 8 comes, nothing. 9 comes, nothing. By this time I've given up on them ever contacting me. They eventually do, but plans get messed up and changed by now.

Thankfully they contacted me, but in the mean time with both examples, during the time that things aren't being mentioned and ignore the day of things are supposed to happen, I get really depressed and think I am unwanted. I do end up crying, because I'm not being filled in on things, I start thinking of the worst, and it makes me feel ridiculously alone, and again - unwanted.

I'm a really open and friendly person when people meet me, but I feel like I don't have any close friends and no one to just.. do stuff with. And when I have no one to do stuff with I feel alone and moody and depressed. I hate it. I wish I had someone, physically, to confide in and be told that I am loved, I have friends, they are my friend, my good friend, and buy me a drink. Heh.